sunday night

sunday night and my kidneys hurt.
it's either my kidneys or my liver.
or my back.
so much of me hurts now.
its dificult to see the wood for the trees.
or the pain for the aches.
the age for the wisdom.
the knowledge for the stress.
i try my best.
but it takes time.
a long time.
a long long long long time.
its sunday night.
my kidneys hurt.


tomorrow is another day.


apparently.

swearing in the office

a hollow feeling fills my chest
and even though i've done my best.
the people that i thought were closest
actually seem to be remote(est).
petty greed and green green eyes
the people of faith
seek the quickest demise.
people of faith let me down
make me unhappy, make me frown.
i want to smile be happy enjoy
not full of hate, destruct destroy
last can of beer
last puff of pipe
last chance to put the whole thing right.
its night time now, its time for rest
to fill the hollow in my chest.
to make me whole complete as one
to join my head with heart and lung.
its been cathartic, emotional too.
its good for me and good for you.
so see you later, goodbye so long
you've now begun to make me strong.
forget the small-mind silly fools
with silly small mind silly rules
fuck them sideways backwards forwards
fuck them this way that way always
fuck em this way fuck em that
fucking cunting fucking twat.

what went up

yesterday i felt sound. grand. cool. mint.
today i feel dead. minor. mad. shit.
the sun that shone.
the birds that sung.
the clouds that hover.
the love has gone.
today i feel bad, wierd, n'wrong,
tomorrow i'll feel clean, hot, upright, strong.

Matilda! The door!! Secrecy please!!!

She’s sitting at the kitchen table

Here’s the brown sauce

She puts her head in her hands

Stable thoughts are what I want

Pull my hair

Pull it out

Punch myself in the face, hard

Feel dizzy

Head hurts, hand hurts.

The kids are going out.

Must take control.

Matilda! Shut the DOOR!! SECRECY PLEASE!!!!!

Sometimes I hate myself

Sometimes I want to die

Sometimes I wished you

Would shut the fucking door.

disappointment

how many ways can people disappoint you?
they don't like the way you speak.
they don't agree with the way you feather your nest.
they don't feel able to tell you.
so they tell someone else instead.
they say that it's not about you.
they say.
although it's never come out of their mouth.
that you've seen anyway.
they only talk to others.
about you.

fuckerds

i thought this was the old blog
but it isnt
youve stolen my fucking words
you cunt fuck shit wank arsehole fucking platform
agrhj argh ahggr agrghh

i am biting my knuckles with rage and anger and distress

i fucking hate you.

uh oh

i just went into meltdown
cos i thought that i had lost you
and even though i knew i hadnt
i needed to play this scene out
and cry